Oh, that's right... I don't have a clue!

I like expectations, structure, order, and schedules.  The unrealistic, black-and-white thinking that I was brought up with is something that I sometimes struggle to slough off.  Sometimes those thoughts cling to me, and I have to rip them out.  And sometimes shit gets tossed upside down, inside out and I can barely think straight at all.

I like to dissect, examine, and discover the reason why something is the way it is.  God, does that exhilarate me.  Conversing in that way stimulates me.  To have conversations about the origins and meanings of words, evolution of cultures, or reasons behind behaviors.  Yes... that can consume me.  I love to study that kind of thing.  But study of a subject and practice of it - yeah... two completely different things.

It was in my early 20's when the "make sure your words and actions are consistent" life lesson really sunk in.  I was living in New Jersey, completely alone and realized that my life was completely mine.  I could do, say, think, whatever the hell I wanted, and discovering the deep peace that comes from choosing and acting on the "right" thing - no matter who was watching.  But, here's the kicker - the "right" thing can be different depending on who and where you are emotionally, and becoming comfortable with that ambiguity.  That last piece I didn't quite figure out until my early 30's.   

These moments of clarity ebb and flow for me.  After returning to Utah, there was a time in my life that I lost everything (externally) that I had worked so hard for, and had to start from the ground up. I was in a tender, weak place.  But, in that moment - I met a strong, independent, solid woman.  She had the most amazing acumen, and after a couple of conversations, we became fast friends.  Through our friendship, she helped me tap into a part of me that I knew was there and had always pulled from, but to be honest, was kind of afraid to identify.  Again... years of study, then she entered my life and helped me have the courage to act on what I knew was deep inside of me.

I am constantly thankful for her influence, because she was able to see past what so many others saw as negative (even me) and she saw only positive.  She never gave up on me, and persistently invited me to join her.  She was relentless, tireless.  I always said no, because, remember... I knew the value of actions and words.  I did not want to commit unless I could commit 100%.  I knew what she wanted and needed from me, and I knew what I could give and I wasn't quite there. 

When I finally felt ready, I accepted her invitations and joined her. I started slowly at first and days turned to weeks, then to months, then to years.  Slowly I got stronger and could see marked improvement and growth in my body, mind and soul.  The friendship that we shared was something I had never experienced before.  It came from a grounded, honest, open person, who knew who she was and had something to offer, and we shared a very deep, trusting, connection.  She took me exactly where I was and accepted me as that, no fucking judgment.  It was honestly so different from any other interpersonal relationship I had up to that point in my life, outside of my family.    

I have always been the kind to see a type and shadow.  It's kind of annoying, especially as I get emotional.  However, that relationship may be the best personal guide I can trust and look to when building an intimate relationship.  She taught me one of the most important lessons: the solution to any challenge I face lies within the skin of the person that owns the challenge. 

At times it feels that my life is just beginning, almost like a novice... so inexperienced and new, especially when it comes to dating.  But, then I turn around and I feel like an old soul... seasoned and weathered.  This puzzles and frustrates me and I am reminded that most of the time, I don't have a clue.

There is a song that describes exactly how I feel when I think about where I am right now; as a single mother, starting to date again. And all of the unique challenges I willingly invite into my life, because I know that I am ready and I am strong enough.  In the song, when it says "Now that I see you", I always think of my Charlotte. 

"All those days watching from the windows.

All those years outside looking in.

All that time never even knowing

Just how blind I've been.

Now I'm here blinking in the starlight.

Now I'm here suddenly I see.

Standing here it's all so clear

I'm where I'm meant to be.

And at last I see the light

And it's like the fog has lifted.

And at last I see the light

And it's like the sky is new.

And it's warm and real and bright

And the world has somehow shifted.

All at once everything looks different

Now that I see you.

All those days chasing down a daydream

All those years living in a blur.

All that time never truly seeing

Things the way they were.

Now (I'm) here shining in the starlight

Now (I'm) here suddenly I know

If (I'm) here it's crystal clear

I'm where I'm meant to go."