Emotional Necrosis

Necrosis:  The death of most or all of the cells in an organ or tissue due to disease, injury, or failure of the blood supply.

My time in autopsy and pathology taught me a few things.  It was always fascinating to see inside the human body.  It really is a miracle.  Our bodies can heal themselves, recreate, regenerate, adapt and evolve.  It is a spectacle to see on a cellular level.  The opposite is also true.  The shut down, decomposition and death of a body is also a sacred progression to observe.  

I have paralleled my emotional / mental body with my physical body.  Dr. Lynn Dobias, a brilliant and insightful psych resident I work with coined a phrase "emotional necrosis" in conversation and it really stuck with me.  I am extremely visual, so not only did almost every image of necrotic tissue that I have handled snap back into the forefront of my mind; but I felt a low, visceral, wrenching squeeze beneath my heart.  Those words had literally reached into my chest mid-sentence and stunned me.

I remember sitting with a friend of mine listening to her explain her feelings about feminism, and how she felt it was so unfair how women were treated.  She debated her side well, and when she was finished asked me what I thought. All I could say was "Well, what activist or pro-women groups are you a part of?"  Her expression was shocked, and almost offended.  She seemed to be happy that I was listening to her complaints, and politely extended and invitation to commiserate with her, but when I answered her question with my question, she had that response.  Perhaps she was involved with many groups? Perhaps not. That isn't the point, really.  The point is: what am I contributing to?  What is flowing out of me?  Rather than complaining about something, what am I doing to support the opposite view? Am I responsible for the emotional energy I share?  My emotions and mood can communicate the same as my words can.  Is it supplying what is needed for healthy, mature, meaningful relationships?  Or... is it choking it?  

Necrosis can result from injury.  Reports often read "necrosis of the ____ due to traumatic injury".  The body can handle a lot, but we all have our breaking points.  We are all built differently.  Pain tolerance, sleep patterns, nutrition, genetics all make up the humpty dumpty that is our body.  A similar cosmic soup makes up our souls.  And from what I have experienced, each time I am broken, torn down and destroyed on an emotional level I try to take comfort in the model of the human body.  It is fragile, weak and corruptible, but it also contains genius in its tiny cells to relearn, renew and adapt.

Some necrotic features never regenerate fully, and a scar forms. I am aching and heartbroken, and it is fully possible that I will have an ugly, sensitive scar.  However, discomfort is temporary, and I do not shy away from it.  Never really have.  

It is just not me.