Helpful wrestle

A dear friend of mine suggested blogging as a way to cope and process through raw feelings.  A different, close friend helped me to master processing physical pain.  (Give me that over emotional distress anyday!)  In matters of the heart, I have come to realize, with me at least- the only way is through it.  In my past I have attempted to numb it out with multiple vices, or just plain ignore it...  But, I have never experienced this level of emotional termoil before, hence - the blogging.  However, I see that as a good thing.  In medicine, we learn that if the pain is different that can be a very good thing.  Our physical bodies are amazing, pain indicates so many things, and can be tool.  The same is true with my emotional body and my emotional pain.  Different is healthy, and I embrace this pain as a guide to direct me to new paths.

When it comes to traditional romantic relationships, I have never really had one.  I have had lots of non-traditional encounters, deep friendships, lasting personal and professional relationships.  But, romantic relationships?  Nope.  Not until this year.  I was finally ready.  I had come to realize and accept myself on some basic and deep levels - and at that particular moment in my life, he appeared. I wasn't interested in him "romantically" right away... but, after spending some time with him, I was intrigued.  I chose to persue a relationship with him and he allowed it to happen which is where I am confused tonight.

When I sit down next to you and you don't move away, does that mean that you want to be there?  When I ask for something and you give it to me, does that mean that you want to?  When you don't hang up, or leave, does that mean that you care?  

Is there a difference from being the active choice or the default when it comes to love and caring? I saw what it looked like when he wanted something.  His active behaviors and choices were clear. It was apparent that he chose what he chose and he wanted what he wanted, and he would do anything to get it, and that resonated with me.  It was a familiar language, but it was never spoken to me, or about me.  Rather, he would speak to me in code, it seemed.  It was never direct.  His emotions were always hidden, unless I directly asked, and even then... I would have to ask the "right" question.  Open, honest and direct communication were my cup of tea, or so I would have liked to think.  I would tell him my thoughts and feelings, up to a certain point.  I mentioned before that because I felt that he was not really choosing me, I could not share all of me.  I wanted to invest, but I wanted a return investment.  Had I trusted myself more, I would have accepted what his actions were telling me, thanked him for his time, and moved on.  

Accepting him and his choices?  There is such liberation in that...  But, that is where it gets hard for me, I guess.
When I looked at him, all I could see was possibility.  I was able to look into his heart and see all of the good...  all that he could be, if he chose to.  What do they call that?  Potential, I guess?  And, it may be possible that I fell in love with that potential?

When I sit there and ask myself, do I want to be with someone that just tolerates me?  Or allows me to be with them?  Or do I want to be with someone that lights up when I am near?  Who actively chooses to help and contribute to our life together?  Who demonstrates his commitment by willingly inviting me into his life, and spending his time with me?  I know what it feels like to love in that way, but I have no idea what it feels like to be loved in that way.  That is the only way I really know how to love... To give my all, it has been a problem.  I am often a doormat and a caregiver.  I want to take care of the person I love.  It is not a bad thing, it is just tricky to learn how to temper it.  How to set boundries...  how to accept other's choices, no matter what my actions or feelings are.  I pushed him to love me the way I wanted him to love me.  I accepted him and loved him for who he was... but wanted him to love me in my way.  He was so sure of what he could give and who he was, that he refused my requests, an admirable quality.  Something I need to learn.   

There is someone out there that will reciprocate the love that I have to give.  Someone who will choose me, as I choose him.  I will love again, and I will gleen experience.  Nothing was done "wrong", and there is no one to "blame".  We are simply different people.  He was so insightful, and could easily see and accept this.  I had a harder time with that.

I am so thankful for my time with him.  He taught me so much.  He was exactly what I needed.  Even though we broke up, I do know that whatever our past actions or future courses... we loved each other.  That was real.  And that helpful wrestle gives me hope.