My choosing

Our relationship.  

I think about how it ended, it was a choice... a blatent, pointed choice.

I think about how it began, it was a choice... a blatent, pointed choice.

Who chose for the relationship to "officially" begin, who chose for the relationship to "officially" end?  Were there moments during the relationship that we mutually came together and chose the same things?  Did we want the same "ending"?  The struggles that consumed me branched from this... choice.  I chose him, but did he ever really choose me back?

We can allow others in, or we can block them.  We can invite, or we can stand back and observe.  I have been in both positions.  I am never comfortable as the observer, being involved and learning as I go has always been were I have felt the most alive.  But, it is also the most vulnerable.  I make the mistakes publically and learn from them in real time.  My body is worn, my heart is torn, my spirit is crushed, and I stand there with my supporters screaming for me to stop, and all I can say is "no... this is where belong".  

I know I tried hard.  I was dedicated, willing, and focused, but I was not open.  I held back because "I choose him, but he doesn't choose me." His actions told me time and time again, over and over that I was not his own choice, but I didn't accept that and worst of all... I blamed him.  

I am so many things, and I am in a constant pattern of growth.  I am not perfect, and I have beat myself up because of it.  As this wonderful person came into my life, I was stretched.  I was taken to the brink many times, and had to ask myself "can I accept this in another person?"  And, I am very sincere and happy to say that I could answer "yes" to all of those questions as they came up, because of what he shared with me about who he was.  As I came to understand him, my heart accepted all of him, and the things that were hard for me became simple.  I loved him more because of what he shared.  His vulnerabilities became the most tender parts that drew me to him.  I think this was able to take place, again, because I chose him.  I actively and decidely chose him.

But, we ended... not because he didn't love me, or because I didn't love him.  But, because I chose him and not me.  And he chose him and not me. 

The terrible heartbreak is two-fold, and I am thankful to realize it.  The first is that I did not allow him this oppourtunity in return.  I might have thought I did, but I knew that he could not handle it - so I held back.  I omitted.  I was not "all of me" to him.  I could see clearly that he did not choose me, but I wanted him to.  So, I tried to coach him to choose me, to teach him how to choose me.  But, he didn't.  So, when I saw that he consistently did not choose me, and as I wanted to give him more of me - I got scared.  I blamed him. 

And secondly... if I had chosen myself in the first place, and been true to myself, there is a real possibilty that he would have accepted me just the way I am.  And, if not - I would still be exactly where I am right now, but with less battle scars.  

My mistakes are my own.  If I cannot live with myself through the hard, shitty, chaotic mess that I sometimes create and sometimes don't, then I sure as hell won't be able to recognize the peace when it happens.  I am sorry that I wasn't true to my feelings, that I blamed others for my own issues, and mostly for not trusting myself.  I have been through some brutal times, I can trust myself. 

So, what do I choose now?  I fucking choose ME.  Because I am the solid choice.  The obvious choice.  The best choice.