Checkmate

I am always so struck with how amazing the universe is with teaching me individual lessons exactly what I need to learn in moments that I am ready to learn them.  It happens repeatedly and poignantly in my life... These dramatic "voice from above" moments mixed with real life "Holy shit?! Did that just happen?!" episodes keep me on my toes and humble me to my knees.

One such episode occurred just this last week.  I recently had a break up, and with that comes collateral damage of investments that you have made during your time together.  Well, in this former relationship my boyfriend had a really hard time sleeping, literal insomnia.  So, I did my normal - I researched insomnia and how to treat it.  I asked my friends for advice, and one of them (a nurse) recommended a local herbal company.  "You can purchase on Amazon!"  She told me.  She even brought in the herbal supplement that she used herself, I took a photo of it, researched it, bought it, tried it myself (before I gave it to my boyfriend) and it worked like a charm... 

Well, when I followed up with my boyfriend about the supplement, he reported that he tried it once or twice, but said he didn't really know if it worked for him? And that was that.  When we broke up, I asked for it back.  I had a different friend that struggled with sleeplessness, and wanted him to give it a try.  "Karma" I said... "It will just kick around in your drawer for decades" I prompted.  No response.  I was seriously frustrated. This could be put to good use, it makes no sense to have it just sit there not being used?!  But, I took a deep breath in and out and decidedly "let it go".  

So... months pass, I move on, start dating new people.  A new guy asks me out for a nice sushi dinner.  As I am sitting across from him, and we are doing our typical "so, what do you do for work?" question-and-answer session, he mentions that his family owns a company that specializes in herbal supplements for natural promotion of health.  I am listening to him tell me about his grandfather, the botanist, and his role in discovering special qualities of certain local plants... and it dons on me that I have purchased from his company.  I stop him mid-sentence and say "Wait... wait... wait... Do you guys make an herbal sleep aide?  I think I have purchased from you before!"  And I reach for my phone to retrieve the picture I took of the bottle when I was researching and communicating with my ex.  I show my date the picture and he just smiles and nods "Yup, that's my company."  I can't help but laugh at the funny coincidence.  

Fast forward to our fourth date just this last Monday, and this wonderful man has prepared a special basket full of products that he thinks I will like... including the herbal sleep aide that I had purchased for my ex and was unsuccessful in my attempts to retrieve upon our break-up. 

So, there I was… literally standing in front of the actual creator of this product, who is offering it to me freely along with other items he thinks I might enjoy.  “Colleen, I thought you might like these things” and goes through each items explaining to me why he chose them out for me. 

This was a very new and very raw experience for me.  Men don’t buy me things.  I buy men things.  Men don’t choose me.  I choose men.  Men don’t take me out, I take men out.  That has been my “norm”, my comfort, my contribution.  

Like I have said before, I often times see meaning and symbolism in my life, and this moment was poignant for me.   So much so that I got a bit emotional.  My date’s emotional intelligence is off the charts, and he handled my emotional display famously.  And as we leave for our date he holds my hand, a simple and supportive gesture.

In my recent experiences with dating, I have noticed that I am intensely attracted to character.  The exterior of the man is fine, but his very nature is what draws me in and keeps me there.  I get asked out often, and I will turn down more dates than I accept due to the character of the man doing the asking.  Looks, traits, and personality are like icing on the cake, but their soul is what I am magnetized to and what I connect with.

Conversely, I have realized that the most unattractive thing to me is lack of contribution or motivation.  I have a knee-jerk reaction to it, and almost zero tolerance for it now.  It is similar to how I feel when someone is blatantly mean to another human being.  It is ugly.  And, in my experiences, I seem to encounter this within a specific demographic of men.  Those who are brought up privileged or come from wealthy or well-off families seem to share these character traits.  They are entitled, lack empathy, humility and work ethic.  It reminds me of a passage from one of my favorite books "Little Women".  Marmee is talking to her two daughters Meg and Jo:  

"Money is a needful and precious thing--and, when well used, a noble thing--but I never want you to think it is the first or only prize to strive for. I'd rather see you poor men's wives, if you were happy, beloved, contented, than queens on thrones, without self-respect or peace."

This led to a silo of thought about The Queen, and its role in the game of chess arguably, the most powerful piece.  It can move forward, backward, sideways, straight or diagonally - really no limit to how far she can move, but to what motive?  Why does she possess this ability?  Is it for her own self -preservation?  No.  It is to protect The King.  To side-step a "checkmate" from the other player.  Basically, the Queen's job is to take down all of the other threats, so The King will be protected.  This loop of thought really keep me engaged and reflective of my patterns of not only the types of guys that I have dated, but the type of person I am when I date.  I can totally relate to this chess piece.  She and I have a lot in common, we are no fucking damsel in distress, we are the "heros" within the couple.  We do the dirty work, the main contributions, we make the efforts for and in behalf of the man we love.  And ultimately, for what?  Yes, Queen in chess... we are soulmates you and I.

I had a conversation with my high school sweetheart the other day.  He was checking in on me and my dating life and updating me on his.  We both agreed it was wise to have a "dating pool", but admitted the struggles of juggling that.  Trying to keep it straight and trying not to wish for all the positive qualities of the group to subside in just one individual.  To accept each individual as they are, and to find value in yourself, in them, and in what you become together as you fully engage in the dating game. 

I do not know what my future holds.  I may want things to be a certain way or make sense, but the universe gave me a very pointed example of what can happen when I actually do let go.  And I am curious to see if I do end up with an actual partner.  I am finding that is hard to find a partner that can keep pace with me, support my need, accept me as I am, but mostly work as hard as I do.  Maybe it will end in me sacrificing everything for the man that I love... like Queenie?  And, to be honest... that is more than likely what will end up happening.  Just have to find the man that I want to give my everything to.  

A Fantastic Feeling

A month ago exactly.  One month.

The course of my life was broken and altered.  The relationship I was in was ending.  I stood with him, outside, trying to accept and understand. 

Tonight as I look back I feel strength with pangs of regret, acceptance with disappointment, but mostly gratitude.  

I can see his face, hear his words, and I feel tender gratitude for his bravery.  I take solace in his strength, his self-awareness and have attempted to gleen these qualities, like a sponge.  I am so thankful for our time together, all of it.  And, as I have absorbed that experience, it has fully fueled me forward.

I have been simply amazed with the positive experiences I have had in the past month.  Sure, I lost the man I loved... but I loved.  I may not be able to share my daily life with his genius... but I recognize more of my own genius.  I experienced failure, but I did not give up, I gave more of myself to myself.  I chose me.

Here I am now... one month later, and I have developed some new friendships.  One, in particular is developing into something more. 

I still consider myself a novice, but I know what I want and I am contributing to that everyday.  The best part with this new relationship is that I am actually receiving what I deeply want and need, and I had no idea that it could feel this amazing.

We had our first date last week, after communicating for awhile. We've communicated everyday since.  Our second date was scheduled for tomorrow... an art exhibit, but, it wasn't soon enough. As we talked tonight he spontaneously asked to see me. Well, it turns out that I couldn't really work out a sitter at the last minute. He understood, but makes a suggestion:  "How about I come and see you, even just for a quick hello?  I'll meet you where ever you'd like".  His efforts and persistence is hard to ignore, and I am able to get things to fall into place, and before I know it, he tells me he is pulling off the freeway and we are deciding on a place to meet.  

As I am driving there, I realize how important his actions are to me. He wants to be with me.  He wants to see me.  He is choosing me. And, I am choosing him back.  I feel so grateful for this feeling that I can't hide the tears, but realize I don't need to.

I feel fortunate to be here, but I would not be here without experiencing what I did one month ago, or one year ago.  I have no idea what tomorrow will bring and I am okay with that.  I have just had a wonderful night, felt comfortable in my own skin, and I get to keep that fantastic feeling.  

I'm in trouble

He came out of nowhere.  He sought me out, asked me out, took me out, and I almost passed out after our date because I was so weak in the knees.  I have never felt so pursued, he was honest and sincere, bold and intense.  Our conversation was natural, open and easy.  I didn't really have to plan anything, but it all came together beautifully.  It was like we already knew and were comfortable with each other.  But, he was a "man", very alpha male, but not the kind that I am used to.  

Now... I have to be careful, here.  I have to recognize that I might like this because it is so starkly different from what I just came from.  I am trying hard not to be clouded by how he made me feel. Damn Oxytocin!!!

Well, time will tell.  These other guys are gems, too.  They are consistent, and good.  Interested and nice.   But, nothing like him. 

Like I said... I'm in trouble.  I guess time will tell me what kind.

Oh, that's right... I don't have a clue!

I like expectations, structure, order, and schedules.  The unrealistic, black-and-white thinking that I was brought up with is something that I sometimes struggle to slough off.  Sometimes those thoughts cling to me, and I have to rip them out.  And sometimes shit gets tossed upside down, inside out and I can barely think straight at all.

I like to dissect, examine, and discover the reason why something is the way it is.  God, does that exhilarate me.  Conversing in that way stimulates me.  To have conversations about the origins and meanings of words, evolution of cultures, or reasons behind behaviors.  Yes... that can consume me.  I love to study that kind of thing.  But study of a subject and practice of it - yeah... two completely different things.

It was in my early 20's when the "make sure your words and actions are consistent" life lesson really sunk in.  I was living in New Jersey, completely alone and realized that my life was completely mine.  I could do, say, think, whatever the hell I wanted, and discovering the deep peace that comes from choosing and acting on the "right" thing - no matter who was watching.  But, here's the kicker - the "right" thing can be different depending on who and where you are emotionally, and becoming comfortable with that ambiguity.  That last piece I didn't quite figure out until my early 30's.   

These moments of clarity ebb and flow for me.  After returning to Utah, there was a time in my life that I lost everything (externally) that I had worked so hard for, and had to start from the ground up. I was in a tender, weak place.  But, in that moment - I met a strong, independent, solid woman.  She had the most amazing acumen, and after a couple of conversations, we became fast friends.  Through our friendship, she helped me tap into a part of me that I knew was there and had always pulled from, but to be honest, was kind of afraid to identify.  Again... years of study, then she entered my life and helped me have the courage to act on what I knew was deep inside of me.

I am constantly thankful for her influence, because she was able to see past what so many others saw as negative (even me) and she saw only positive.  She never gave up on me, and persistently invited me to join her.  She was relentless, tireless.  I always said no, because, remember... I knew the value of actions and words.  I did not want to commit unless I could commit 100%.  I knew what she wanted and needed from me, and I knew what I could give and I wasn't quite there. 

When I finally felt ready, I accepted her invitations and joined her. I started slowly at first and days turned to weeks, then to months, then to years.  Slowly I got stronger and could see marked improvement and growth in my body, mind and soul.  The friendship that we shared was something I had never experienced before.  It came from a grounded, honest, open person, who knew who she was and had something to offer, and we shared a very deep, trusting, connection.  She took me exactly where I was and accepted me as that, no fucking judgment.  It was honestly so different from any other interpersonal relationship I had up to that point in my life, outside of my family.    

I have always been the kind to see a type and shadow.  It's kind of annoying, especially as I get emotional.  However, that relationship may be the best personal guide I can trust and look to when building an intimate relationship.  She taught me one of the most important lessons: the solution to any challenge I face lies within the skin of the person that owns the challenge. 

At times it feels that my life is just beginning, almost like a novice... so inexperienced and new, especially when it comes to dating.  But, then I turn around and I feel like an old soul... seasoned and weathered.  This puzzles and frustrates me and I am reminded that most of the time, I don't have a clue.

There is a song that describes exactly how I feel when I think about where I am right now; as a single mother, starting to date again. And all of the unique challenges I willingly invite into my life, because I know that I am ready and I am strong enough.  In the song, when it says "Now that I see you", I always think of my Charlotte. 

"All those days watching from the windows.

All those years outside looking in.

All that time never even knowing

Just how blind I've been.

Now I'm here blinking in the starlight.

Now I'm here suddenly I see.

Standing here it's all so clear

I'm where I'm meant to be.

And at last I see the light

And it's like the fog has lifted.

And at last I see the light

And it's like the sky is new.

And it's warm and real and bright

And the world has somehow shifted.

All at once everything looks different

Now that I see you.

All those days chasing down a daydream

All those years living in a blur.

All that time never truly seeing

Things the way they were.

Now (I'm) here shining in the starlight

Now (I'm) here suddenly I know

If (I'm) here it's crystal clear

I'm where I'm meant to go."

What did I hide and why?

All of me doesn't just involve me.

I have described my actions in previous relationship as dedicated, honest, open and that I shared myself with my partner up to a certain point.  It isn't like I was hiding anything or being dishonest. I contributed daily and was transparent.  However, I mostly separated the utmost important, vulnerable and newest part of me from our relationship: Motherhood.  

We started dating in the summer of 2014, right after Charlotte was born.  Even though I was a brand new mother, I was finally in a place in my blessed life where I felt ready to actually have a relationship.  And, as my luck (and cruel irony) would have it that is just when he "arrived".

He was/is a good person, but I expressed before that I felt that his actions demonstrated that he did not choose me or prioritize me. Which, I think is why I was so hesitant to involve my sweet, baby girl.  But, I was a novice at dating a person like this... a "passive" personality.  So, I observed... I waited to see if I was the only person in his life that he treated like that.  And, in the very limited people that he introduced me to, the answer was "yes".  Those other people made the plans, made the invites and did most of the decision making, which was something as we progressed in our relationship I talked with him about and we came to some terms with.  He explained this as part of his personality, and I accepted it, as long as he understood that I was more of a planner.  I had to be, but I needed more from him and I think he felt it. 

During most of the time that we dated I was working two jobs.  He had all his free time in the evening to himself, he could basically do what he wanted, and he did.  We saw each other every other weekend and some times more.  He received the benefits of being in a relationship with the added bonus that his "free" time was fully his because I was at work.  Then, I get a great offer with one job, decide to take it (for a lot of reasons) and start working just one job during the day and we start spending more time together in the evenings. The dynamic started to shift in our relationship.  I am more of a presence, he has less time to himself.  He is required to give more.  Things are becoming more serious.  Those needs of mine are still the same... Perfect storm.

When I came to him at a low point to ask for help, he expressed that all he could see was need.  I can understand, and consider my part in that.  Even if I did need him, I had withheld the vital information of the level I needed him to fulfill, and because of seeing his repeated actions (and lack thereof), doubted his abilities. It was unspoken, but it existed.  I needed him to choose to prioritize me and Charlotte in his life through his words, actions and commitments and to daily, actively contribute to our relationship. Ironically enough, we had this conversation in Charlotte's presence, and I can count on my hand the times that all three of us had spent time together.  

The possible impact of the choices I made have sunk in over the last couple of weeks as I have had some time to process.  And by digging out this self-inflicted bullet, hopefully the wound can have a better chance of healing.

I feel guilt.  And... I am afraid.  How could I have allowed myself to love someone so much that clearly wasn't invested?  What kind of a role model is that to my daughter?  Why did I struggle and ask someone to prioritize me, when I didn't even prioritize myself and my family?  

I try to sit with myself and comfort that girl who is shaking with tears for these terrible mistakes she has made.  I can try to accept the apology, that more recently has come daily.  I am trying to see myself for who I really am - a whole, living, faulted, strong and weak mother... who is fighting like hell to stand on these wobbly legs, and to forgive her.  

I sit across from tortured people each day, and I can see some parts of myself in them.  Their stories are mostly tragic, their souls are defined as tormented, and I can respect their struggle.  I cannot fix it.  I cannot exactly understand it.  But, I can respect where they are, and that their experience is real and I feel it with them.  It reminds me that I am part of a tumultuous, human current that I can surrender myself to.    

Where?

A friend of mine had asked me weeks ago to house/dog sit and care for her elderly father as her and her partner were out of town for a few days.  I have been doing that for the last little bit with Charlotte and Indy in tow. 
Their stunning home is surrounded by walls of trees, a meandering creek in the front yard, and not-so-friendly, mountainous neighbors.  (They've had to build an angled bobwire fence to keep the mountain lions out).  It is an isolated, luxurious property, very different from my everyday.  The convenience and beauty of the forest in your front yard is a luxury I am embracing for sure!  
  Being here has been a vivid reminder to me that it really does not matter where you are, but who you are that creates comfort, happiness and joy.  And, I'm not always talking about a physical dwelling either... however, spending the last couple of days in a mansion have lent themselves to this coherence. 
  I have thought a lot about where I am, where I have been, and where I want to go.  Last weekend I went on a date.  I don't necessarily think I was ready, but I didn't necessarily want to isolate either.  I knew I was hurting, and he knew I was hurting.  I didn't try and hide that from him because I was afraid he couldn't handle it, as I have in the past...  Just show the other person what you think they can handle.  I trusted myself and him, and was honest with both my intentions and capabilities.  It was raw, to say the least.    
  As the night progressed, I eased into our jovial banter, breathed in and out and relaxed into enjoying myself despite the fact that I was also dealing with a broken heart.  I contributed to our evening together and maintained my boundaries and true desires and we shared a connection, which is exactly what I wanted and needed. 
  When all was said and done, and I was driving home I felt as if I was looking down on my life "google earth" style.  Through my tears, I could see that I was in a different place. The behaviors, choices and emotions that came out of me on that first date were 
starkly different than previous first dates, and because of that when I woke up the next morning I felt peaceful and comforted.
  Nothing external will ever compare to my internal workings.  And even though I may not physically see a grand structure that I have built.  Or have any physical "proof" of what is going on inside my head... that doesn't really matter.  If I am fortified and solid, resilient and kind, than maybe I am doing something right?

Emotional Necrosis

Necrosis:  The death of most or all of the cells in an organ or tissue due to disease, injury, or failure of the blood supply.

My time in autopsy and pathology taught me a few things.  It was always fascinating to see inside the human body.  It really is a miracle.  Our bodies can heal themselves, recreate, regenerate, adapt and evolve.  It is a spectacle to see on a cellular level.  The opposite is also true.  The shut down, decomposition and death of a body is also a sacred progression to observe.  

I have paralleled my emotional / mental body with my physical body.  Dr. Lynn Dobias, a brilliant and insightful psych resident I work with coined a phrase "emotional necrosis" in conversation and it really stuck with me.  I am extremely visual, so not only did almost every image of necrotic tissue that I have handled snap back into the forefront of my mind; but I felt a low, visceral, wrenching squeeze beneath my heart.  Those words had literally reached into my chest mid-sentence and stunned me.

I remember sitting with a friend of mine listening to her explain her feelings about feminism, and how she felt it was so unfair how women were treated.  She debated her side well, and when she was finished asked me what I thought. All I could say was "Well, what activist or pro-women groups are you a part of?"  Her expression was shocked, and almost offended.  She seemed to be happy that I was listening to her complaints, and politely extended and invitation to commiserate with her, but when I answered her question with my question, she had that response.  Perhaps she was involved with many groups? Perhaps not. That isn't the point, really.  The point is: what am I contributing to?  What is flowing out of me?  Rather than complaining about something, what am I doing to support the opposite view? Am I responsible for the emotional energy I share?  My emotions and mood can communicate the same as my words can.  Is it supplying what is needed for healthy, mature, meaningful relationships?  Or... is it choking it?  

Necrosis can result from injury.  Reports often read "necrosis of the ____ due to traumatic injury".  The body can handle a lot, but we all have our breaking points.  We are all built differently.  Pain tolerance, sleep patterns, nutrition, genetics all make up the humpty dumpty that is our body.  A similar cosmic soup makes up our souls.  And from what I have experienced, each time I am broken, torn down and destroyed on an emotional level I try to take comfort in the model of the human body.  It is fragile, weak and corruptible, but it also contains genius in its tiny cells to relearn, renew and adapt.

Some necrotic features never regenerate fully, and a scar forms. I am aching and heartbroken, and it is fully possible that I will have an ugly, sensitive scar.  However, discomfort is temporary, and I do not shy away from it.  Never really have.  

It is just not me.