A month ago exactly. One month.
The course of my life was broken and altered. The relationship I was in was ending. I stood with him, outside, trying to accept and understand.
Tonight as I look back I feel strength with pangs of regret, acceptance with disappointment, but mostly gratitude.
I can see his face, hear his words, and I feel tender gratitude for his bravery. I take solace in his strength, his self-awareness and have attempted to gleen these qualities, like a sponge. I am so thankful for our time together, all of it. And, as I have absorbed that experience, it has fully fueled me forward.
I have been simply amazed with the positive experiences I have had in the past month. Sure, I lost the man I loved... but I loved. I may not be able to share my daily life with his genius... but I recognize more of my own genius. I experienced failure, but I did not give up, I gave more of myself to myself. I chose me.
Here I am now... one month later, and I have developed some new friendships. One, in particular is developing into something more.
I still consider myself a novice, but I know what I want and I am contributing to that everyday. The best part with this new relationship is that I am actually receiving what I deeply want and need, and I had no idea that it could feel this amazing.
We had our first date last week, after communicating for awhile. We've communicated everyday since. Our second date was scheduled for tomorrow... an art exhibit, but, it wasn't soon enough. As we talked tonight he spontaneously asked to see me. Well, it turns out that I couldn't really work out a sitter at the last minute. He understood, but makes a suggestion: "How about I come and see you, even just for a quick hello? I'll meet you where ever you'd like". His efforts and persistence is hard to ignore, and I am able to get things to fall into place, and before I know it, he tells me he is pulling off the freeway and we are deciding on a place to meet.
As I am driving there, I realize how important his actions are to me. He wants to be with me. He wants to see me. He is choosing me. And, I am choosing him back. I feel so grateful for this feeling that I can't hide the tears, but realize I don't need to.
I feel fortunate to be here, but I would not be here without experiencing what I did one month ago, or one year ago. I have no idea what tomorrow will bring and I am okay with that. I have just had a wonderful night, felt comfortable in my own skin, and I get to keep that fantastic feeling.
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