Love...

He is Home to my mind, body and soul.

"There is a peace only to be found on the other side of war"

 
"There is a peace only to be found on the other side of war". It is an oxymoron. My favorite one, in fact. Actually, it is a quote from one of my favorite movies: "First Knight". Even though this is spoken in the context of actual war, I have often taken this to a more personal level of the internal battles I suit up for.

In the movie, King Arthur delivers this line to Malegant, a former knight of the round table, in a tense confrontation between the two characters. Arthur continues on to say "If that war should come I will fight it". I often wonder what was it that fueled him to decide to fight? It wasn't like he went out looking for it. It was a last resort. Maybe it was a desire for peace that contributed to Arthur's decision to take a stand and protect his kingdom and (in the movie) Genevieve's land?

The choice to "fight", to confront, or to stand up for yourself is something I have become familiar with. I have faced internal opponents and I discovered as I have conquered some of those, I was more prepared to take on the external ones as well. Amazingly, it has helped me be a better parent.

Accountability? To some... that word is scary. To others? Comfort. To me? Well... frustration.

As humans, we crave ease. We want things to be easy, calm and comfortable. Those sweet moments in life are wonderful. But, in my opinion... they have to be earned. "There is a peace that is only found on the other side of war", remember.

To be accountable and to hold others accountable is NOT comfortable. To step into the light, look up, and show your weakness can be torture. To ask a person who promised you something to make good on their promise can be a heartache. I have seen an adult break down and cry when drawing a boundary and allowing the natural consequence to take place when the boundary is broken by enforcing the consequence.

The successes I have experienced with the "battles" I have fought have only been because they were built upon a strong foundation of integrity and adherence to natural consequence of law. No "tricks".

I feel that I have been fighting one particular battle all of my life. At the end of this month, I will take the first step toward overcoming this struggle, even though I have to give credit where credit is due and say that I have come a long way. I could never have gotten this far without the understanding, love and fierce examples of my dear friends and family.

Weakness really can be turned into strength. Wrongs really can be righted. Forgiveness and reconciliation are real, honest things. And I am so thankful I have experienced, and continue to experience this peace I have found, only on the other side of some very intense, fucking wars.

Hard to swallow

As 2015 comes to an end, I am reminded of an experience I had a little while ago that was reflective of how I have felt about this past year. 

I was feeding my daughter lunch one day, there was nothing really special about the day, or the food, or the anything really.  But, as I sat with her and watched her... what she was doing started to speak to me.  

She picked up her sliced apple, bit into it and grimaced in disgust.  She didn't care for the skin of the apple, so started to spit it out.  As it dribbled down her chin onto her shirt, she looked at the piece of uneaten apple in her hand, and touched the shiny, red skin.  I could see the intelligence in her eyes identify that this was the source of her displeasure. Her tiny fingers quickly went to work, painstakingly pinching and pulling at the slippery, outer surface of the fruit, removing it from the flesh of the apple slice.  

As I observed her, I thought to myself "why not just eat the part you want"?  I sat there and watched her consume her time with this husk, when she could be filling her tummy with the sweet exocarp of the apple. 

In that simple moment in time, I could look beyond the apple and see myself and my life.  I pointedly asked myself then and there if I might be focusing on what I don't want, rather than devouring what I do.

I closed my eyes, and thought about how to teach her about this insight I had just gained.  I took a deep breath, opened my eyes, and looked into my daughter's eyes (my eyes, my grandfather's eyes, my father's eyes).  I said, "look, watch Mama", as I reached for another piece of sliced apple.  I turned it around so the inside of the apple was facing my mouth (similar to eating a sliced piece of watermelon), and then began eating.  I said "yummy!" and smiled at her while I did it.  

She took the hint, turned her piece around and took a big bite and gave me a big smile.  She ended up eating the rest of her apple slices that way, which I was satisfied with.  We were able to clean up and continue on playing and working together that day.  

I have heard that the skin of fruits and veggies are where most of the nutrients lie.  However, it is often the most bitter to consume.  How funny that this moment at lunchtime could relate so fully to my life this past year.  The most nutritious and beneficial parts of what is placed before me, or what I choose to absorb are the very parts that taste the worst and are the hardest to choke down. 

Now, as I think about it, I am proud of my daughter for eating what she did. She may not have eaten the skin of the apple that day, but that doesn't mean that she never will.  I remember as a child never wanting to touch green salad, but now I love it.  Or, holding a piece of pizza up by the crust and scraping all of the toppings off in preparation to eat it.  As we grow and develop, our tastes change - we try new things and learn to eat what is given to us.  We even learn about nutrition and the value of consuming the bitter skin. We adapt it to our liking, we brave new seasonings, we sometimes even try new tastes on a dare.  All of this is acceptable, as it is part of defining and developing us as individuals.  My child is being nurtured,  she has choices of food to eat, and surprisingly she has a very broad palette, even at her very young age.  But most importantly - she eats. She ate when she could have gone without. 

After all, we could one day find ourselves without an apple at all.  No choice or opportunity to taste the bitter (or the sweet).  So, again, I am thankful for the wisdom I gained during our time at the table. 

Sometimes the things that are the best for me can be the hardest to swallow.  But, I am happy to partake of what is offered, because it may not be offered again.

Checkmate

I am always so struck with how amazing the universe is with teaching me individual lessons exactly what I need to learn in moments that I am ready to learn them.  It happens repeatedly and poignantly in my life... These dramatic "voice from above" moments mixed with real life "Holy shit?! Did that just happen?!" episodes keep me on my toes and humble me to my knees.

One such episode occurred just this last week.  I recently had a break up, and with that comes collateral damage of investments that you have made during your time together.  Well, in this former relationship my boyfriend had a really hard time sleeping, literal insomnia.  So, I did my normal - I researched insomnia and how to treat it.  I asked my friends for advice, and one of them (a nurse) recommended a local herbal company.  "You can purchase on Amazon!"  She told me.  She even brought in the herbal supplement that she used herself, I took a photo of it, researched it, bought it, tried it myself (before I gave it to my boyfriend) and it worked like a charm... 

Well, when I followed up with my boyfriend about the supplement, he reported that he tried it once or twice, but said he didn't really know if it worked for him? And that was that.  When we broke up, I asked for it back.  I had a different friend that struggled with sleeplessness, and wanted him to give it a try.  "Karma" I said... "It will just kick around in your drawer for decades" I prompted.  No response.  I was seriously frustrated. This could be put to good use, it makes no sense to have it just sit there not being used?!  But, I took a deep breath in and out and decidedly "let it go".  

So... months pass, I move on, start dating new people.  A new guy asks me out for a nice sushi dinner.  As I am sitting across from him, and we are doing our typical "so, what do you do for work?" question-and-answer session, he mentions that his family owns a company that specializes in herbal supplements for natural promotion of health.  I am listening to him tell me about his grandfather, the botanist, and his role in discovering special qualities of certain local plants... and it dons on me that I have purchased from his company.  I stop him mid-sentence and say "Wait... wait... wait... Do you guys make an herbal sleep aide?  I think I have purchased from you before!"  And I reach for my phone to retrieve the picture I took of the bottle when I was researching and communicating with my ex.  I show my date the picture and he just smiles and nods "Yup, that's my company."  I can't help but laugh at the funny coincidence.  

Fast forward to our fourth date just this last Monday, and this wonderful man has prepared a special basket full of products that he thinks I will like... including the herbal sleep aide that I had purchased for my ex and was unsuccessful in my attempts to retrieve upon our break-up. 

So, there I was… literally standing in front of the actual creator of this product, who is offering it to me freely along with other items he thinks I might enjoy.  “Colleen, I thought you might like these things” and goes through each items explaining to me why he chose them out for me. 

This was a very new and very raw experience for me.  Men don’t buy me things.  I buy men things.  Men don’t choose me.  I choose men.  Men don’t take me out, I take men out.  That has been my “norm”, my comfort, my contribution.  

Like I have said before, I often times see meaning and symbolism in my life, and this moment was poignant for me.   So much so that I got a bit emotional.  My date’s emotional intelligence is off the charts, and he handled my emotional display famously.  And as we leave for our date he holds my hand, a simple and supportive gesture.

In my recent experiences with dating, I have noticed that I am intensely attracted to character.  The exterior of the man is fine, but his very nature is what draws me in and keeps me there.  I get asked out often, and I will turn down more dates than I accept due to the character of the man doing the asking.  Looks, traits, and personality are like icing on the cake, but their soul is what I am magnetized to and what I connect with.

Conversely, I have realized that the most unattractive thing to me is lack of contribution or motivation.  I have a knee-jerk reaction to it, and almost zero tolerance for it now.  It is similar to how I feel when someone is blatantly mean to another human being.  It is ugly.  And, in my experiences, I seem to encounter this within a specific demographic of men.  Those who are brought up privileged or come from wealthy or well-off families seem to share these character traits.  They are entitled, lack empathy, humility and work ethic.  It reminds me of a passage from one of my favorite books "Little Women".  Marmee is talking to her two daughters Meg and Jo:  

"Money is a needful and precious thing--and, when well used, a noble thing--but I never want you to think it is the first or only prize to strive for. I'd rather see you poor men's wives, if you were happy, beloved, contented, than queens on thrones, without self-respect or peace."

This led to a silo of thought about The Queen, and its role in the game of chess arguably, the most powerful piece.  It can move forward, backward, sideways, straight or diagonally - really no limit to how far she can move, but to what motive?  Why does she possess this ability?  Is it for her own self -preservation?  No.  It is to protect The King.  To side-step a "checkmate" from the other player.  Basically, the Queen's job is to take down all of the other threats, so The King will be protected.  This loop of thought really keep me engaged and reflective of my patterns of not only the types of guys that I have dated, but the type of person I am when I date.  I can totally relate to this chess piece.  She and I have a lot in common, we are no fucking damsel in distress, we are the "heros" within the couple.  We do the dirty work, the main contributions, we make the efforts for and in behalf of the man we love.  And ultimately, for what?  Yes, Queen in chess... we are soulmates you and I.

I had a conversation with my high school sweetheart the other day.  He was checking in on me and my dating life and updating me on his.  We both agreed it was wise to have a "dating pool", but admitted the struggles of juggling that.  Trying to keep it straight and trying not to wish for all the positive qualities of the group to subside in just one individual.  To accept each individual as they are, and to find value in yourself, in them, and in what you become together as you fully engage in the dating game. 

I do not know what my future holds.  I may want things to be a certain way or make sense, but the universe gave me a very pointed example of what can happen when I actually do let go.  And I am curious to see if I do end up with an actual partner.  I am finding that is hard to find a partner that can keep pace with me, support my need, accept me as I am, but mostly work as hard as I do.  Maybe it will end in me sacrificing everything for the man that I love... like Queenie?  And, to be honest... that is more than likely what will end up happening.  Just have to find the man that I want to give my everything to.  

A Fantastic Feeling

A month ago exactly.  One month.

The course of my life was broken and altered.  The relationship I was in was ending.  I stood with him, outside, trying to accept and understand. 

Tonight as I look back I feel strength with pangs of regret, acceptance with disappointment, but mostly gratitude.  

I can see his face, hear his words, and I feel tender gratitude for his bravery.  I take solace in his strength, his self-awareness and have attempted to gleen these qualities, like a sponge.  I am so thankful for our time together, all of it.  And, as I have absorbed that experience, it has fully fueled me forward.

I have been simply amazed with the positive experiences I have had in the past month.  Sure, I lost the man I loved... but I loved.  I may not be able to share my daily life with his genius... but I recognize more of my own genius.  I experienced failure, but I did not give up, I gave more of myself to myself.  I chose me.

Here I am now... one month later, and I have developed some new friendships.  One, in particular is developing into something more. 

I still consider myself a novice, but I know what I want and I am contributing to that everyday.  The best part with this new relationship is that I am actually receiving what I deeply want and need, and I had no idea that it could feel this amazing.

We had our first date last week, after communicating for awhile. We've communicated everyday since.  Our second date was scheduled for tomorrow... an art exhibit, but, it wasn't soon enough. As we talked tonight he spontaneously asked to see me. Well, it turns out that I couldn't really work out a sitter at the last minute. He understood, but makes a suggestion:  "How about I come and see you, even just for a quick hello?  I'll meet you where ever you'd like".  His efforts and persistence is hard to ignore, and I am able to get things to fall into place, and before I know it, he tells me he is pulling off the freeway and we are deciding on a place to meet.  

As I am driving there, I realize how important his actions are to me. He wants to be with me.  He wants to see me.  He is choosing me. And, I am choosing him back.  I feel so grateful for this feeling that I can't hide the tears, but realize I don't need to.

I feel fortunate to be here, but I would not be here without experiencing what I did one month ago, or one year ago.  I have no idea what tomorrow will bring and I am okay with that.  I have just had a wonderful night, felt comfortable in my own skin, and I get to keep that fantastic feeling.  

I'm in trouble

He came out of nowhere.  He sought me out, asked me out, took me out, and I almost passed out after our date because I was so weak in the knees.  I have never felt so pursued, he was honest and sincere, bold and intense.  Our conversation was natural, open and easy.  I didn't really have to plan anything, but it all came together beautifully.  It was like we already knew and were comfortable with each other.  But, he was a "man", very alpha male, but not the kind that I am used to.  

Now... I have to be careful, here.  I have to recognize that I might like this because it is so starkly different from what I just came from.  I am trying hard not to be clouded by how he made me feel. Damn Oxytocin!!!

Well, time will tell.  These other guys are gems, too.  They are consistent, and good.  Interested and nice.   But, nothing like him. 

Like I said... I'm in trouble.  I guess time will tell me what kind.

Oh, that's right... I don't have a clue!

I like expectations, structure, order, and schedules.  The unrealistic, black-and-white thinking that I was brought up with is something that I sometimes struggle to slough off.  Sometimes those thoughts cling to me, and I have to rip them out.  And sometimes shit gets tossed upside down, inside out and I can barely think straight at all.

I like to dissect, examine, and discover the reason why something is the way it is.  God, does that exhilarate me.  Conversing in that way stimulates me.  To have conversations about the origins and meanings of words, evolution of cultures, or reasons behind behaviors.  Yes... that can consume me.  I love to study that kind of thing.  But study of a subject and practice of it - yeah... two completely different things.

It was in my early 20's when the "make sure your words and actions are consistent" life lesson really sunk in.  I was living in New Jersey, completely alone and realized that my life was completely mine.  I could do, say, think, whatever the hell I wanted, and discovering the deep peace that comes from choosing and acting on the "right" thing - no matter who was watching.  But, here's the kicker - the "right" thing can be different depending on who and where you are emotionally, and becoming comfortable with that ambiguity.  That last piece I didn't quite figure out until my early 30's.   

These moments of clarity ebb and flow for me.  After returning to Utah, there was a time in my life that I lost everything (externally) that I had worked so hard for, and had to start from the ground up. I was in a tender, weak place.  But, in that moment - I met a strong, independent, solid woman.  She had the most amazing acumen, and after a couple of conversations, we became fast friends.  Through our friendship, she helped me tap into a part of me that I knew was there and had always pulled from, but to be honest, was kind of afraid to identify.  Again... years of study, then she entered my life and helped me have the courage to act on what I knew was deep inside of me.

I am constantly thankful for her influence, because she was able to see past what so many others saw as negative (even me) and she saw only positive.  She never gave up on me, and persistently invited me to join her.  She was relentless, tireless.  I always said no, because, remember... I knew the value of actions and words.  I did not want to commit unless I could commit 100%.  I knew what she wanted and needed from me, and I knew what I could give and I wasn't quite there. 

When I finally felt ready, I accepted her invitations and joined her. I started slowly at first and days turned to weeks, then to months, then to years.  Slowly I got stronger and could see marked improvement and growth in my body, mind and soul.  The friendship that we shared was something I had never experienced before.  It came from a grounded, honest, open person, who knew who she was and had something to offer, and we shared a very deep, trusting, connection.  She took me exactly where I was and accepted me as that, no fucking judgment.  It was honestly so different from any other interpersonal relationship I had up to that point in my life, outside of my family.    

I have always been the kind to see a type and shadow.  It's kind of annoying, especially as I get emotional.  However, that relationship may be the best personal guide I can trust and look to when building an intimate relationship.  She taught me one of the most important lessons: the solution to any challenge I face lies within the skin of the person that owns the challenge. 

At times it feels that my life is just beginning, almost like a novice... so inexperienced and new, especially when it comes to dating.  But, then I turn around and I feel like an old soul... seasoned and weathered.  This puzzles and frustrates me and I am reminded that most of the time, I don't have a clue.

There is a song that describes exactly how I feel when I think about where I am right now; as a single mother, starting to date again. And all of the unique challenges I willingly invite into my life, because I know that I am ready and I am strong enough.  In the song, when it says "Now that I see you", I always think of my Charlotte. 

"All those days watching from the windows.

All those years outside looking in.

All that time never even knowing

Just how blind I've been.

Now I'm here blinking in the starlight.

Now I'm here suddenly I see.

Standing here it's all so clear

I'm where I'm meant to be.

And at last I see the light

And it's like the fog has lifted.

And at last I see the light

And it's like the sky is new.

And it's warm and real and bright

And the world has somehow shifted.

All at once everything looks different

Now that I see you.

All those days chasing down a daydream

All those years living in a blur.

All that time never truly seeing

Things the way they were.

Now (I'm) here shining in the starlight

Now (I'm) here suddenly I know

If (I'm) here it's crystal clear

I'm where I'm meant to go."