Kintsugi

Our first date was at the National History Museum in Salt Lake City, Utah. Chauncey and I had been communicating for a couple of weeks prior to meeting up face to face that cold, bright, January afternoon. We had an immediate connection. Definitely a friendship. We shared a jovial, funny energy as we learned about each other's lives meandering through the different exhibits of the museum.

One of the exhibits was a children’s game, a three-dimension puzzle, of sorts. The object was to correctly repair a “broken” pottery bowl around a large, rounded, magnetic surface. As we pieced the puzzle together learning about this display, our small talk deepened into something more. We were both impressed with the story behind the presentation. Together we learned the Japanese art of repairing broken pottery with lacquer dust mixed with powered gold, silver, or platinum was called “Kintsugi.” But, the profound philosophy behind this art was a token of wisdom that, little did I know at that time, would be a recurring theme in our relationship.

We both were touched, as we read about how the Japanese treat breakage and repair as part of the history of an object, rather than something to disguise, be ashamed of, or hide. The object, in the end, actually was viewed to have higher value. It was deeper, more rich. To me, the cracks represented love, in its truest form. Acceptance symbolized.  

I have oftentimes pointed to this experience in discussions with my best friend, Chauncey. As I have stumbled, fallen and felt completely broken, he has reminded me. “It’s like the gold,” he whispers in my ear, as my tears fall on his chest and he holds me so gently in his strong arms. 

Two weeks ago, we were jogging with little Charlotte. The route we took to the park was the most direct. I had pounded that pavement many times before, and the path was very familiar to me. During this morning routine, we fought. It was unpleasant, full of emotion, and hard. Because of our love for one another, and our commitment to ourselves, we worked through that argument to resolution. 

However, my heart ached as the memory of what occurred on that route just the day before ghosted into my mind. As I drifted in and out of these emotions, I observed the memory of what we learned about Kintsugi. “I can apply that to this broken road, this shattered memory,” I thought. 

When he and I talked next, I asked my dear boyfriend if he would join me, once again, on that same route. But, this time with the intention of creating a new memory, one that could repair the damage we shared previously. He agreed. We walked. We talked. We forged a crack, broken by pride and insecurities.

Experiences like these often bring token gifts of strength and resilience, which is exactly what I accepted and sought after. And, I can see that it came from inside, and how I feel about myself. My relationship with myself was reflected in this bittersweet experience. My love for this man grows each day. The value of our relationship branches out from the deep root that is this: Breakage and repair are a part of us. They are part of our rich history together. Rather than disguise it, be ashamed of mistakes, or ignore them, Chauncey and I accept our defects as part of ourselves, and part of our relationship. 

And, together we mend it. 

Knees and Head

Imagine lifting something very heavy. Using your whole body to do it. maybe even putting that weight on your back or shoulders so you can use your entire body to help bear the burden. Our bodies shake under pressure. I'm sure you've felt this before. But it's not only our physical bodies that do this, but emotional and mental beings as well.

Imagine having to move that weight as it is pushing down on you. Your body starts to quake. How can you endure it better? I've found that if I bend my knees and put my head down, even slightly, I can last longer under the strain.

I saw myself doing this today during my workout. I had weights in my hands as I was exercising. But, I realigned my body to carry the weight better by bending my knees and lowering my head.

I have faith in my body, spirit, and mind. I have moved mountains in my past - but not while I was upright. Not a chance. I've had to bend my knees and put my head down.

Today, as I was working out, this really impacted me. I saw it as a personal parable. The image of myself I was staring at in the mirror transformed. I remembered myself kneeling in prayer before my Creator as I was faced with difficulties, and as I expressed gratitude. I remembered personal moments of excruciating pain as I sobbed and shook. And, moments not so much filled with pain, but still immensely heavy. I remember expressing gratitude as I moved forward in faith. Faith in myself, faith in my family as I stepped into the unknown.

It's a gift. I see it and feel it as a pure gift. It is moving to me to remember the concept of bending my knees and lowering my head to bear a burden. It was a stark and poignant reminder of my connection with God. Together, I can do anything.

Uncharted Territory

Time to celebrate!!!

It's been a long time coming, but I am finally in uncharted territory in a couple of different facets of my life.

The first one I am happy to embrace and celebrate is my goals with weight loss. This week, I have finally shattered the plateau I have struggled with for years. The daily action I have of standing in front of the mirror and making my view or belief compatible with what I see in the reflection has taken some getting used to, but I am progressing.

The energy I feel is pure vitality.

I embrace and share my lifestyle. I build upon aspirations I have always kept close to my heart. And, in so doing, I am able to feel more. It is such a synergy.

This gracious grapple has forged a path for peripheral delights. I find myself in a relationship that breaks all of my old patterns and rules, and I am experiencing so much joy. I mindfully try to anchor my heart to my Divine Center. It permeates me. It drives me.

To be able to share this with the world is its own special gift. My dear, dear friends and family. How I feel is a product of so many contributions. I am stronger because I can share my weaknesses, whole-heartedly with you. And, I am thankful. It ripples through to so many areas of my life.

Gratitude for Inspiring Friends

Almost a decade ago I met an amazing woman named Tarris. We formed a fast and true friendship. Through that connection, she helped to set my feet on a path that would lead me to where I am today, on the brink. She is one of the most genuine, hard-working and whole-hearted people I know. I experienced a broad range of new emotions. No one, outside of my family had treated me the way she did. She looked right into my soul and quickly saw me. She challenged me. She believed in me. And today, I am deeply grateful for her influence and treasure our friendship. 

I mentioned that I was on the brink? Through the last 9 years I have worked hard, and accomplished some great things. I am two pounds away from being the lowest weight I have ever been in my adult life. I am gearing up for the uncharted territory and new ground that my body will be experiencing. 

At this place, in this moment - I want to express my deep gratitude for my dear friends and family and the unconditional love and support of my choices. I am never alone. I carry in my heart their inspiration and faith. I stand firm with those that may need support in whatever they may face.

Here's to uncharted territory, new experiences and transformation!

Scorched Earth

I know so many can relate to what I am about to share. After it happened, I felt so many things, Shame being one of them. But, I was comforted by hearing the stories of others facing similar situations. That's the beauty of human connection. So, as I share my story, I greatly hope it will add to the comfort or at least be a positive spark. Maybe not.

Humans are not all one thing. We can show a plethora of emotions, and display a wide range of reactions to different types of abuse and manipulation. It all depends on our character. Hurt people often hurt others. It takes a hell of a lot inside of us to "turn the other cheek", evaluate our piece and individual contribution, and act accordingly. I have to give myself credit and pat myself on the back, because I have succeeded in this process from an early age many times over. But, not this last week. This last week, I made a decision to take one of my relationships to dirt. I chose to burn it to the ground and as a result never be able to grow anything with that individual again. And, it was the best thing I could have done.

One of the toughest things for me to wrap my head around is that too much of a good thing can be destructive. It doesn't make sense to me. If it's good, then more of that good thing can be great!? No. Not always so. Physical things make sense to me - so I have paralleled this puzzle to my physical body. If my body makes too much of something, like red blood cells, for instance, it can kill me. Polycythemia vera is a cancer of the blood. Basically your marrow creates too many red blood cells. This leads to really thick blood, which in turn can make a person prone to have more blood clots, a stroke, or a heart attack, Can you see? My desire and actions to do good in my life and other's lives sometimes becomes too focused, and instead of being able to take things as they come, I become consumed, clogged and damn up the flow and ease that can exist, damaging the fragile fluidity.

Throughout my years I have grown tougher skin, but most of my life I have been a sensitive, spongy doormat. A great big heart with arms and legs pleading with the masses to love me. Imagine that won't you? Growing up as an overweight child, teenager and young adult, doing the song and dance to try to get people to look past my outward appearance and see me. Chaos and real danger were constant in my young life, and I needed to be on guard. Internalizing that kind of dynamic... well, you can imagine what that would do to a tender-hearted, pudgy girl growing up.

I absorbed so much and internalize a huge portion of everything. But, recently I had a breakthrough with my therapist, where I confronted this inner voice constantly "mothering" me. I was able to learn where it came from, why it was there and basically told it to "shut the fuck up!" I've never done that before. My therapist explained that the anger I was feeling was a good thing. "Anger can help set a boundary", she explained. She coached me to invite it, observe it, and to ultimately dismiss it, if it was not serving me. She explained that this was not me, but rather an internalization of so many things and I had the remote! I could turn the volume way down, or mute that noise altogether.

Well, guess what? I did. I practiced turning the volume down when I would hear that voice criticize, abuse and demean me. I was able to be mindful, and visualize this internal voice as a non-intimidating force, and I was able to say, "Shut up." At first, it was aggressive and slowly became more assertive through practice. Try to think of it like this: If you remember the scene in the movie "Waterboy" where Coach Klein sees the opposing coach, the one who had intimidated him all his career, and interposes the head of a puppy, then a little baby on the coach's body? Well - it was a lot like that. Seeing and more importantly, feeling, this internalized voice for exactly what it was gave me the power to shut it down.

Well, I firmly believe that I am not given any task that I am not able to handle. My relationship with my Creator has taught me this, and I am still awed by the trust I feel when this happens. In my life, it seems that the moment I am ready- that's when I am shoved into the ring. No waiting.

So - fast forward to last week and the gloves were on, so to speak. I had a tough conversation with a man that I have been dating. I was strong, and assertive - no surprises there, but this time... I vowed to myself that I would take no shit, no matter what. So, when I confronted his lies with a simple request to "please be honest with me." He chose to tell me the truth - but not with integrity, but to try to manipulate me.

I could see and feel myself well up with confidence. I knew what he was doing, and I called him out on it completely. When he responded with, "Well, you wanted the truth." I decided to take action. I took every single one of his lies and manipulations and turned them directly on their heads. It was like I was firmly grounded as this Mad Hatter from the Alice of Wonderland revved up to spew word salad at me. I knew it would get ugly. He has a history of verbally assaulting others with absolutely no regret. And, as he engaged with me, that part of him came out in full force. But, I didn't back down. I went toe to toe and engaged in a verbal fight, which is out of character for me - but I honestly felt like a new person. I could see what he was doing with perfect clarity, and because of the experience I had with myself earlier I was able to change the intimidation factor. I saw him for what he was. I reacted in a way I never had before (and honestly do not ever want to experience again). But, I took no shit, slaughtered him and burned the bridge.

In the past when I have gotten into an argument with a friend, family member or a fight with a partner it would have floored me. Maybe not in the moment, but I would turn inward and become depressed for a day or two, sometimes more. This time? Nope. I was experiencing disappointment in myself, sure. Overthinking and replaying the fight like I normally do... But, then I stopped. I reached out. I talked to a good friend. I talked to myself. I invited people over for dinner. I didn't stop my life because of this event. I pushed on and I made a breakthrough.

In response to my detailed share, my dear friend quoted part of a book. "So she changed everything. She changed it all. She tried on bravery. Because bravery was both a beautiful outfit and a book of matches and she used it to burn down the whole fucking house." - Cara Alwill Leyba, author of STRIPPED.

When I was pregnant with my daughter, I didn't take very many pictures. This is one of the only ones that I have, and I just stumbled upon it today. I can remember what it felt like to carry my sweet daughter. I also remember the fear I felt of the choice I made of being a single mother. 

When I found this picture today, it was all I could do to hold back the tears. She has been such a blessing to me and my family. Life before her is sometimes hard to remember. 

Strength, courage, integrity and commitment.