Checkmate

I am always so struck with how amazing the universe is with teaching me individual lessons exactly what I need to learn in moments that I am ready to learn them.  It happens repeatedly and poignantly in my life... These dramatic "voice from above" moments mixed with real life "Holy shit?! Did that just happen?!" episodes keep me on my toes and humble me to my knees.

One such episode occurred just this last week.  I recently had a break up, and with that comes collateral damage of investments that you have made during your time together.  Well, in this former relationship my boyfriend had a really hard time sleeping, literal insomnia.  So, I did my normal - I researched insomnia and how to treat it.  I asked my friends for advice, and one of them (a nurse) recommended a local herbal company.  "You can purchase on Amazon!"  She told me.  She even brought in the herbal supplement that she used herself, I took a photo of it, researched it, bought it, tried it myself (before I gave it to my boyfriend) and it worked like a charm... 

Well, when I followed up with my boyfriend about the supplement, he reported that he tried it once or twice, but said he didn't really know if it worked for him? And that was that.  When we broke up, I asked for it back.  I had a different friend that struggled with sleeplessness, and wanted him to give it a try.  "Karma" I said... "It will just kick around in your drawer for decades" I prompted.  No response.  I was seriously frustrated. This could be put to good use, it makes no sense to have it just sit there not being used?!  But, I took a deep breath in and out and decidedly "let it go".  

So... months pass, I move on, start dating new people.  A new guy asks me out for a nice sushi dinner.  As I am sitting across from him, and we are doing our typical "so, what do you do for work?" question-and-answer session, he mentions that his family owns a company that specializes in herbal supplements for natural promotion of health.  I am listening to him tell me about his grandfather, the botanist, and his role in discovering special qualities of certain local plants... and it dons on me that I have purchased from his company.  I stop him mid-sentence and say "Wait... wait... wait... Do you guys make an herbal sleep aide?  I think I have purchased from you before!"  And I reach for my phone to retrieve the picture I took of the bottle when I was researching and communicating with my ex.  I show my date the picture and he just smiles and nods "Yup, that's my company."  I can't help but laugh at the funny coincidence.  

Fast forward to our fourth date just this last Monday, and this wonderful man has prepared a special basket full of products that he thinks I will like... including the herbal sleep aide that I had purchased for my ex and was unsuccessful in my attempts to retrieve upon our break-up. 

So, there I was… literally standing in front of the actual creator of this product, who is offering it to me freely along with other items he thinks I might enjoy.  “Colleen, I thought you might like these things” and goes through each items explaining to me why he chose them out for me. 

This was a very new and very raw experience for me.  Men don’t buy me things.  I buy men things.  Men don’t choose me.  I choose men.  Men don’t take me out, I take men out.  That has been my “norm”, my comfort, my contribution.  

Like I have said before, I often times see meaning and symbolism in my life, and this moment was poignant for me.   So much so that I got a bit emotional.  My date’s emotional intelligence is off the charts, and he handled my emotional display famously.  And as we leave for our date he holds my hand, a simple and supportive gesture.

In my recent experiences with dating, I have noticed that I am intensely attracted to character.  The exterior of the man is fine, but his very nature is what draws me in and keeps me there.  I get asked out often, and I will turn down more dates than I accept due to the character of the man doing the asking.  Looks, traits, and personality are like icing on the cake, but their soul is what I am magnetized to and what I connect with.

Conversely, I have realized that the most unattractive thing to me is lack of contribution or motivation.  I have a knee-jerk reaction to it, and almost zero tolerance for it now.  It is similar to how I feel when someone is blatantly mean to another human being.  It is ugly.  And, in my experiences, I seem to encounter this within a specific demographic of men.  Those who are brought up privileged or come from wealthy or well-off families seem to share these character traits.  They are entitled, lack empathy, humility and work ethic.  It reminds me of a passage from one of my favorite books "Little Women".  Marmee is talking to her two daughters Meg and Jo:  

"Money is a needful and precious thing--and, when well used, a noble thing--but I never want you to think it is the first or only prize to strive for. I'd rather see you poor men's wives, if you were happy, beloved, contented, than queens on thrones, without self-respect or peace."

This led to a silo of thought about The Queen, and its role in the game of chess arguably, the most powerful piece.  It can move forward, backward, sideways, straight or diagonally - really no limit to how far she can move, but to what motive?  Why does she possess this ability?  Is it for her own self -preservation?  No.  It is to protect The King.  To side-step a "checkmate" from the other player.  Basically, the Queen's job is to take down all of the other threats, so The King will be protected.  This loop of thought really keep me engaged and reflective of my patterns of not only the types of guys that I have dated, but the type of person I am when I date.  I can totally relate to this chess piece.  She and I have a lot in common, we are no fucking damsel in distress, we are the "heros" within the couple.  We do the dirty work, the main contributions, we make the efforts for and in behalf of the man we love.  And ultimately, for what?  Yes, Queen in chess... we are soulmates you and I.

I had a conversation with my high school sweetheart the other day.  He was checking in on me and my dating life and updating me on his.  We both agreed it was wise to have a "dating pool", but admitted the struggles of juggling that.  Trying to keep it straight and trying not to wish for all the positive qualities of the group to subside in just one individual.  To accept each individual as they are, and to find value in yourself, in them, and in what you become together as you fully engage in the dating game. 

I do not know what my future holds.  I may want things to be a certain way or make sense, but the universe gave me a very pointed example of what can happen when I actually do let go.  And I am curious to see if I do end up with an actual partner.  I am finding that is hard to find a partner that can keep pace with me, support my need, accept me as I am, but mostly work as hard as I do.  Maybe it will end in me sacrificing everything for the man that I love... like Queenie?  And, to be honest... that is more than likely what will end up happening.  Just have to find the man that I want to give my everything to.  

A Fantastic Feeling

A month ago exactly.  One month.

The course of my life was broken and altered.  The relationship I was in was ending.  I stood with him, outside, trying to accept and understand. 

Tonight as I look back I feel strength with pangs of regret, acceptance with disappointment, but mostly gratitude.  

I can see his face, hear his words, and I feel tender gratitude for his bravery.  I take solace in his strength, his self-awareness and have attempted to gleen these qualities, like a sponge.  I am so thankful for our time together, all of it.  And, as I have absorbed that experience, it has fully fueled me forward.

I have been simply amazed with the positive experiences I have had in the past month.  Sure, I lost the man I loved... but I loved.  I may not be able to share my daily life with his genius... but I recognize more of my own genius.  I experienced failure, but I did not give up, I gave more of myself to myself.  I chose me.

Here I am now... one month later, and I have developed some new friendships.  One, in particular is developing into something more. 

I still consider myself a novice, but I know what I want and I am contributing to that everyday.  The best part with this new relationship is that I am actually receiving what I deeply want and need, and I had no idea that it could feel this amazing.

We had our first date last week, after communicating for awhile. We've communicated everyday since.  Our second date was scheduled for tomorrow... an art exhibit, but, it wasn't soon enough. As we talked tonight he spontaneously asked to see me. Well, it turns out that I couldn't really work out a sitter at the last minute. He understood, but makes a suggestion:  "How about I come and see you, even just for a quick hello?  I'll meet you where ever you'd like".  His efforts and persistence is hard to ignore, and I am able to get things to fall into place, and before I know it, he tells me he is pulling off the freeway and we are deciding on a place to meet.  

As I am driving there, I realize how important his actions are to me. He wants to be with me.  He wants to see me.  He is choosing me. And, I am choosing him back.  I feel so grateful for this feeling that I can't hide the tears, but realize I don't need to.

I feel fortunate to be here, but I would not be here without experiencing what I did one month ago, or one year ago.  I have no idea what tomorrow will bring and I am okay with that.  I have just had a wonderful night, felt comfortable in my own skin, and I get to keep that fantastic feeling.  

I'm in trouble

He came out of nowhere.  He sought me out, asked me out, took me out, and I almost passed out after our date because I was so weak in the knees.  I have never felt so pursued, he was honest and sincere, bold and intense.  Our conversation was natural, open and easy.  I didn't really have to plan anything, but it all came together beautifully.  It was like we already knew and were comfortable with each other.  But, he was a "man", very alpha male, but not the kind that I am used to.  

Now... I have to be careful, here.  I have to recognize that I might like this because it is so starkly different from what I just came from.  I am trying hard not to be clouded by how he made me feel. Damn Oxytocin!!!

Well, time will tell.  These other guys are gems, too.  They are consistent, and good.  Interested and nice.   But, nothing like him. 

Like I said... I'm in trouble.  I guess time will tell me what kind.