Proof

Sadness, pain and suffering are universal emotions. All have felt it. All will feel it. In my experiences it is important to know these so I can know and appreciate the opposite end of the spectrum.

Because I finally accepted that I fundamentally feel unworthy, unloveable, and undesireable, I was finally able to identify that I only date men that would "prove" this fundamental belief to me.

Knowledge is power, as they say, and you know what finally happened? I broke. All of my excuses imploded. The faux "protection" I snaked behind? Gone. The bareness left me open, if not incredibly shaky and vulnerable. No longer was I able to hide my true feelings away. And, fuck, I had to do something about it.

So, I bear my mangled soul to my most serious offender, Christopher Saville. The man I have loved and been in an off-and-on relationship with for over a year. Our exchange was soft but terrifying. Direct, and implosive. Our insidious collusion was called out as bullshit. And just like that... I was released from the grips and the awfulness of this man and his repeated offenses. I no longer have to make excuses for the terrible choices he makes in life or in our relationship. I no longer have to explain empathy and responsibility to a grown man. Over are the days where I request basic, human consideration. Finished are my pleadings with him to "see" and "hear" our children and myself. My dutiful position as his confidant I was now willing to take off the table altogether.

Fragmented and armed with my truth, I was finally able to demand his.

His cold, callous responses were like stinging hail, descending upon me until the gravest of discoveries: that his artifice of love is conditional, and ended long ago. His intentions each time we 'got back together' were never to reconcile, but to get what he could get. I could clearly see this now. Because I shared my black, deep truths, he revealed his, which mostly consisted of preying on my vulnerabilities during our time together.
Towards the end, I looked up into his eyes, which previously would have coaxed me back into his arms and I finally recognized it in him, or rather the depth of it. Chris felt similarly about himself that I did about myself. And as my eyes filled up with tears upon this realization, I choked out "This is a good thing." Because I intrinsically believe in balance, I know we (as human beings, not together) are capable of reversing and rising from this.

My continued and offered optimism fell on his deaf ears and his hard heart. But, the surge of encouragement I felt from within me was unmatched and unprecedented. I was finally able to severe our toxic relationship that overflowed with longing, suppression and loneliness. The deepest sadness I experienced came from his parting thoughts and words. After we had fully disclosed and arrived at this place, he clearly still did not understand. He even had the audacity to ask if he could still see me. "To what end?" I asked. "Do you not comprehend the depth of the hurt that you have caused and that I have allowed? Do you still not understand?" No, he didn't.

Why would he want to cling to his connection with me? He confessed earlier that he does not love me. That he is not able to love me, to be there for me, or any of the things that I had asked for and he never delivered, and I pathetically accepted his emptiness. As I claimed my virtue and began to shut him down, he jammed his foot in for one last attempt. "I still want to date you. Even though I know I have been unfair to you, I still want to be friends". His words are so very wrong, as they hang above me. "Be friends? You don't know what that means." I point out. "Why, Chris?" He cannot answer... But, he doesn't have to. Even though I can spell it all out for him, I don't. I invite him to leave and never come back.

How was I able to do this? It is because of my worth, that I can finally see, feel and claim. He is completely willing to receive all of the benefits of being loved by me, AND completely unwilling to love me. I stand between him and my fragile self-discovery and draw a solid, thick line. I am worth so much more.

Compassionately I can see my value and my wobbly strength. This precious and fleeting insight I obtained through many drawn out experiences of being devalued in intimate relationships collectively gathered at the end of this one. The lies that I told myself and others, are dissolving and something familiar steps forward. Pain? Yes, it is pain... But, this time the pain is at the helm. And, even though it is excruciating... I trust and surrender that I no longer know what is best for me and I can accept that.

My friends, my therapists, my family I am so thankful for. However, ultimately I am thankful for the me and the courage to decidedly make this move. I am able to redefine what I know of myself, and I can grow.

Somethings we can only learn in intimate relationships, and this is one of them. Unfortunately, I have avoided those most of my adult life, so it has taken me longer than most. I walk away with gratitude and humility, because, shit... it's about time.