Connections

Have you ever heard the quote "Wherever you go, there you are?" The first time I remember hearing this was when I was living in dirty Jersey, circa 2007. It was one of those quotes that stuck with me. I remember immediately relating the quote to a story I had heard when I was a punk teenager, I could almost feel the synapse occur in my head. The story was about a young animal who lived in the forest. He noticed a distinct smell. Curious as to the smell's origin, he traveled all over the forest searching, but in the end realized the scent was actually him... Essence of himself.

In my mind, the connection the juvenile forest animal made snakes me back to my unbreakable connection between my emotions, attitudes and thoughts. Basically, my being. Not only that, but how it is frequently so freaking hard for me to remember that I see the world as I am.

You know? Maybe? Example: If I have a shitty attitude and I am filled with suspicious or accusing thoughts, I am going to manifest the evidence I need to justify the emotions I am feeling from the internal mess I am projecting. Opposite works the same way. If I am centered, filling my mind with positive, grounded thoughts, I will encounter confidence in my interactions, and my attitudes will conceive optimism.

My private understanding is something I earn. I am simply thankful to myself for this gentle (sometimes) discernment I am shaping. It is a deep, personal empathy. A valuable, personal skill. I can figuratively take a step back and fundamentally observe myself in a situation. The best is when I can do this "in the moment", but it doesn't always happen that way. Most of the time it is hindsight, sometimes foresight. This skill has guided me many times to do great things and accept dark details of myself.

But.... that skill is more internal. It doesn't translate as smoothly when I play with others. Yea... that is kinda a different story. Especially when it comes to my intimate affairs. In my observation and reflection of those relationships, I notice that I have developed a knee-jerk reaction to certain behaviors or attitudes (both in myself and in my partner). And, me being me.. I want to analyze the shit out of it.

It's like I'm a pilot, reading her instruments on the control panel. Panic sets in when levels drop, the horizon becomes askew, and we fly directly into stormy weather. Mayday! Instead of calming riding through the storm, shifting some shit around, or correcting course, we nosedive. My poor relationships don't necessarily crash and burn, but we sustain major hull damage.

The best way I can describe it is heartbreak. I feel like that stupid, forest-dwelling mammal desperately sniffing the air. What the hell? Fuck! Where is it coming from? Attempting over and over again to find the source. And all along... it is within.

"You are your biggest problem, and your only solution." There's another quote that marooned in my soul. And, you know.. when I look at my "failed" relationships, reminisce about ex-boyfriends, or relive arguments it is easy to become discouraged. But, in those moments, I gently and assertively glimpse at how far I have come. And if evidence and evaluation is what hits a chord with me, well then... I am resoundingly succeeding. The debris from the failed connections prove my efforts. And I am slowly realizing that the stronger my relationship is with myself. the more I realize, I have everything I need to "get it".