I know so many can relate to what I am about to share. After it happened, I felt so many things, Shame being one of them. But, I was comforted by hearing the stories of others facing similar situations. That's the beauty of human connection. So, as I share my story, I greatly hope it will add to the comfort or at least be a positive spark. Maybe not.
Humans are not all one thing. We can show a plethora of emotions, and display a wide range of reactions to different types of abuse and manipulation. It all depends on our character. Hurt people often hurt others. It takes a hell of a lot inside of us to "turn the other cheek", evaluate our piece and individual contribution, and act accordingly. I have to give myself credit and pat myself on the back, because I have succeeded in this process from an early age many times over. But, not this last week. This last week, I made a decision to take one of my relationships to dirt. I chose to burn it to the ground and as a result never be able to grow anything with that individual again. And, it was the best thing I could have done.
One of the toughest things for me to wrap my head around is that too much of a good thing can be destructive. It doesn't make sense to me. If it's good, then more of that good thing can be great!? No. Not always so. Physical things make sense to me - so I have paralleled this puzzle to my physical body. If my body makes too much of something, like red blood cells, for instance, it can kill me. Polycythemia vera is a cancer of the blood. Basically your marrow creates too many red blood cells. This leads to really thick blood, which in turn can make a person prone to have more blood clots, a stroke, or a heart attack, Can you see? My desire and actions to do good in my life and other's lives sometimes becomes too focused, and instead of being able to take things as they come, I become consumed, clogged and damn up the flow and ease that can exist, damaging the fragile fluidity.
Throughout my years I have grown tougher skin, but most of my life I have been a sensitive, spongy doormat. A great big heart with arms and legs pleading with the masses to love me. Imagine that won't you? Growing up as an overweight child, teenager and young adult, doing the song and dance to try to get people to look past my outward appearance and see me. Chaos and real danger were constant in my young life, and I needed to be on guard. Internalizing that kind of dynamic... well, you can imagine what that would do to a tender-hearted, pudgy girl growing up.
I absorbed so much and internalize a huge portion of everything. But, recently I had a breakthrough with my therapist, where I confronted this inner voice constantly "mothering" me. I was able to learn where it came from, why it was there and basically told it to "shut the fuck up!" I've never done that before. My therapist explained that the anger I was feeling was a good thing. "Anger can help set a boundary", she explained. She coached me to invite it, observe it, and to ultimately dismiss it, if it was not serving me. She explained that this was not me, but rather an internalization of so many things and I had the remote! I could turn the volume way down, or mute that noise altogether.
Well, guess what? I did. I practiced turning the volume down when I would hear that voice criticize, abuse and demean me. I was able to be mindful, and visualize this internal voice as a non-intimidating force, and I was able to say, "Shut up." At first, it was aggressive and slowly became more assertive through practice. Try to think of it like this: If you remember the scene in the movie "Waterboy" where Coach Klein sees the opposing coach, the one who had intimidated him all his career, and interposes the head of a puppy, then a little baby on the coach's body? Well - it was a lot like that. Seeing and more importantly, feeling, this internalized voice for exactly what it was gave me the power to shut it down.
Well, I firmly believe that I am not given any task that I am not able to handle. My relationship with my Creator has taught me this, and I am still awed by the trust I feel when this happens. In my life, it seems that the moment I am ready- that's when I am shoved into the ring. No waiting.
So - fast forward to last week and the gloves were on, so to speak. I had a tough conversation with a man that I have been dating. I was strong, and assertive - no surprises there, but this time... I vowed to myself that I would take no shit, no matter what. So, when I confronted his lies with a simple request to "please be honest with me." He chose to tell me the truth - but not with integrity, but to try to manipulate me.
I could see and feel myself well up with confidence. I knew what he was doing, and I called him out on it completely. When he responded with, "Well, you wanted the truth." I decided to take action. I took every single one of his lies and manipulations and turned them directly on their heads. It was like I was firmly grounded as this Mad Hatter from the Alice of Wonderland revved up to spew word salad at me. I knew it would get ugly. He has a history of verbally assaulting others with absolutely no regret. And, as he engaged with me, that part of him came out in full force. But, I didn't back down. I went toe to toe and engaged in a verbal fight, which is out of character for me - but I honestly felt like a new person. I could see what he was doing with perfect clarity, and because of the experience I had with myself earlier I was able to change the intimidation factor. I saw him for what he was. I reacted in a way I never had before (and honestly do not ever want to experience again). But, I took no shit, slaughtered him and burned the bridge.
In the past when I have gotten into an argument with a friend, family member or a fight with a partner it would have floored me. Maybe not in the moment, but I would turn inward and become depressed for a day or two, sometimes more. This time? Nope. I was experiencing disappointment in myself, sure. Overthinking and replaying the fight like I normally do... But, then I stopped. I reached out. I talked to a good friend. I talked to myself. I invited people over for dinner. I didn't stop my life because of this event. I pushed on and I made a breakthrough.
In response to my detailed share, my dear friend quoted part of a book. "So she changed everything. She changed it all. She tried on bravery. Because bravery was both a beautiful outfit and a book of matches and she used it to burn down the whole fucking house." - Cara Alwill Leyba, author of STRIPPED.
