Hard days come and go, we all have them. This hard day, I want to process rather than ignore. Maybe one day I can look back and see how far my little family has come. Maybe not. Either way, I am going to surrender my logic to my emotion and just share.
My journey to become a mother was imperfect and flawed. My choices were irresponsible and shallow. However, when I found out that I was going to be a Mommy, courage came. I took a hard look at myself and discovered some ugly truths. I faced them head on, no backing down. I found inside of myself a commitment to do whatever I needed to do to be what she needed.
My baby's father and I were practically strangers. But, as I invited him into my life, he revealed his personal struggles and addictions. Through that process, I thankfully discovered some of my own as well. Every day contained both a painful struggle and delightful happiness in our joined relationship as imperfect people preparing to have a child.
In that preparation, I took steps to honor and protect my sweet girl's rights. She has the right to a relationship and support from both her mother and her father. This litigation basically ended with an open invitation for that relationship to be fostered with her father as long as it was within certain boundaries of the law. Long story short: Her dad chose, and continually chooses not to conform to these boundaries and remains absent.
It is something that tears me up completely. I realize the great choice and responsibility that is mine to raise my daughter, and thank God I have my parents - who provide me with so much support and love. I made the choice to be a single mother and raise my daughter with the possibility of never having a relationship with her biological father.
Charlotte has a half sister, who is only two months younger than her. Her half sister's mother has chosen a different route than I did. Dad is in and out of her life for the last two years. I don't know too many details, but I do know that he will come and go as he pleases with his other daughter.
The truth is that Charlotte's father chooses to be with her half sister more because it is "easier" for him. He doesn't have to prove himself clean, capable and consistent to see her. But... she experiences a relationship with her father and he is a presence in her life.
As I look into my beautiful daughter's eyes today, I feel an intense ache. Her father is absent. Father's day is coming up, and Charlotte's Dad chooses not to show up for her in her life. The frustrating truth that I have very little control over this grates on my conscience. I am emotionally raw, bruised and broken.
I try to close my eyes and picture the beautiful couples, families and mentors I have personally experienced and benefited from. I can only continue to improve, recommit daily, and provide for my little girl. I'm not her Dad, but I am enough. And come what may, I will be there. I will show up, and I will love her forever.
